Strangely Alienated
For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ; 21 who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with the body of His glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to subject all things to Himself.
Philippians 3:20-21
I feel so uneasy and discontent with the things of this world. I find it quite disconcerting and uncomfortable to fellowship with unbelievers as of late. It feels like vanity at is ugliest. I find myself wanting to scream out in terror as King Solomon once did, "Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity." (Ecclesiastes 1:2) I often find myself desiring to find rest for my alienated soul in the Body of Christ and yet, even amongst the Brethren, I feel lost, out of place, almost as if I am a square peg trying to fit myself into a round hole. Christianity has become a language of sorts, a dress code, a way of which we speak of this magnificent God in such menial terminology. We speak about the things of God, never really getting to the heart of the matter, that is, God Himself. Never before have I felt such agonizing pain. The agonizing, constant, dull pain of being an alien in a place I thought I belonged to for 30+ years. It is as if the veil has been lifted and for the first time in my life I realize that the home I thought I once kept, the place in which my heart found rest and comfort, does not exist here on earth. It's the overwhelming hurt of one who realizes that the person who they once called their soul mate has no love or interest in them. The agonizing hurt of an abandoned soul.
Do not be confused, I realize that I am not, by any means, an abandoned soul. But as I write this the picture is growing ever so clearer. I have just realized that I have held onto this world my entire life, believing this is my home, taking up residence here, a place in which I believed accepted me and I in turn accepted it. And yet, the veil has been lifted, the scales have been removed from my eyes. And this world I once believed loved and honored me, in all actuality hates and despises me. The hate and disgust for me runs so deep that my very presence causes this world to curse my name. They turn their faces in hatred toward me at my existence. They say in their hearts, "I loathe you with an everlasting hatred. I loathe your very presence. I loathe the very sound of your voice." And yet, I must realize that it is, in fact, not me because they once loved me and I them. It is the very presence of the Living God residing in me that they loathe. The very existence of light amongst darkness that disgusts them. The presence of the Holy Spirit is a putrid aroma to those that have taken up residence in this world. To those that are not sojourners or aliens, but permanent residents. I once was a quiet sojourner who turned my face to the sin around me. Who said, "Because it is not my sin it should not concern me." And yet, according to Romans 1:32, "...those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them." My living amongst the world, turning my face to others sins, gave hearty approval to it and thus I too was worthy of the death they were already practicing. And now that the world has realized, only by the grace of God set before me, I now walk according to the statutes of the Lord rather than of man, it has caused a great divide. One that makes them blood thirsty for my very soul. "If the world hates you, you know that it has hated Me before it hated you." (John 15:8) It is nothing new. It is to be expected. I will lose friends, I will lose family, I will lose my own life, only to gain a new life. A life that cannot be described, a glorious, everlasting life. A life of freedom, a life of peace, an eternal life. This place is not my home. I am simply a sojourner here. An alien, passing through. The pain that I am feeling is not the pain of losing a home, it is the pain of realizing that I have been living in the wrong home for far too long. A home which kept me in bondage, a home which stole my freedom and made me a slave to the world. All the while never accepting the fact that I am not a slave to death, but I am actually part of "A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God's OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." (1 Peter 2:9) My home is not on this earth. I am simply passing through on the way Home, the place that I have ignored for far too long. I have packed my bags and I am on my way Home now. Let the pain of familiarity melt away because what I have waiting for me is far too marvelous to ever look back at what I have left behind. Maranatha Lord, come quickly.
